my parents have been asking how my friends are doing. i don't tell them i'm the worst texter in the whole world so i have no clue. i lie and say they're good but busy. i dream about them all though. sharing an apartment, a bed. dating, even though i never even wanted to kiss them, except as practice for the real thing. i say 'real thing' like there are real people out there i could date. i think my last crush was 9th grade. now i just have girls i pretend to flirt with on instagram. i like their posts and stories to let them know i would fuck them if they let me. or fuck me if they wanted. i try to remind myself most of my friends aren't dating either, but i still feel behind. everyone always thinks they're behind. they 'have no friends' or whatever but they do. i guess i have friends too but it hasn't felt like it in a long time. it was so fucking difficult to see them, even when they lived here. it felt like the world's saddest one sided relationship, and i couldn't do that shit anymore. now it's just me, which isn't much better, except the loneliness is just permanent and steady, instead of a fucking tsunami everytime someone cancelled plans because they didn't give a shit. i tell myself i'll have friends when i move somewhere new next year, but i don't really believe it.

wild geese

is time is queer/and memory is trans/and my hands hurt in the cold/then